Life is like a bowl of cherries, or a box of chocolates, they say. Well today I am overwhelmed with all the things going on out there. I am distracted, agitated, and unable to fix on anything as a focus. Too many ideas, none of which seems practical, practicable, or even vaguely possible. The world is full of colour, noise, and the demands of others. I hear that I am creative, clever, wonderful, and so on, but I feel like a fraud. If people could really see who I am they wouldn’t believe any of it. What say someone finds out?
I seem to be a practical, hands on kind of a girl in a digital world full of digital ‘products’ and I cannot work out how my stuff can begin to ‘fit’. I am running for a cave to hide in and maybe it will all have gone away when I come out! Except I don’t want that. I want to find a way to make the world a better place and share some of the things that have worked for me, find a way to make some new things work for me as the world changes, and so do I.
They tell us, here in Christchurch, that most of us are suffering from ‘Quake Brain’ as a result of the last two years of seismic activity. We still aren’t allowed into the middle of the city, it’s fenced off and there are buildings being demolished all over the place. There are gaps all round the city where there used to be buildings, and the roads are really rough in many places. It is a very strange time. Sometimes everything seems normal, and then you go away for a few days and realize how strange our ‘normal’ has become.
So, I will take a breath, and allow myself the occasional wobbly day where things seem a bit hard, and I struggle to keep things in perspective. We are so lucky, no body in my circle has had to deal with a death, our houses are still able to be lived in although in varying states of damage, and we are all managing to look forward to a time where our city may become something wonderful raised from the rubble. It is just a time of transition and very many changes, which can be challenging. Every now and then we are still having aftershocks which is nervous making, but things are settling down, fingers crossed.
It was the strangest thing trying to get home in my car in the gridlocked city, watching people streaming out from the centre in their business clothes, often barefoot and without their bags. Strained faces and groups of people encouraging each other as they headed out to find their loved ones. Not something I care to repeat. Once is enough.